Cussing, Meltdowns, and the Good Stuff (Larissa Marks - April 29, 2020)

Observation, Perspiration or Inspiration: 

For anyone keeping score, we've now reached the point in sheltering-at-home where every single person in our family has had a moment of running out of fuel in the tank, and had a major meltdown. You know what I'm talking about - you've had a rough day, you reach the end of your inner resources, and suddenly one thing trips you up and sends you over the edge into a meltdown.

I won't name names, but from among our family, here are a few examples of the meltdown moments that have happened during the last few weeks of sheltering-at-home:

• Someone got so frustrated while working on a project, they took a large book and threw it, causing a soccer trophy to break in half.
• Someone who had lots of zeal for doing schoolwork at home became completely overwhelmed, and shut down from wanting to do anything productive.
• Someone got mad and kicked a large stool which went flying into the oven and shattered the glass of the oven door.
• Someone has, on more than one occasion, cussed out loud in anger.

Ok, confession: that last one is me. I'm known in our family for using colorful language, which sometimes comes out in front of our kids. Among other words that I won't write on this blog, I've blurted out the word "crap" on more than one occasion. Apparently, this has not gone unnoticed, because other day I overheard our 5-year-old yell, "Oh CRAM," in my exact intonation. Apparently that's what she thinks I've been saying. I won't bother to correct her.

Being sheltered at home together has wonderful moments, but we also can't escape the big feelings of stress and frustration. Many things we would usually do to cope with our stress aren't as available to us right now. We can't just escape out of the house for a few hours, or release stress by going to the gym. So tensions run higher, people have a shorter fuse, and yes, maybe we all have more meltdowns. More fights, more tears, more shutting down.

Depending on your personality, you may react to stress by withdrawing and disengaging, having an emotional outburst, or becoming paralyzed. We've seen all of the above in our family recently.

However challenging the heightened stress and increased meltdowns are right now, I also believe that in the midst of at all, our family is also receiving good things from God and each other.

One good thing is we're giving and receiving forgiveness and grace. From our kids' earliest years, we have taught them how to ask for forgiveness and offer it to each other. This is a common interaction within our family relationships - someone messes up, they acknowledge and own how they messed up, they ask for forgiveness from whomever they offended, and forgiveness is offered. Maybe a hug and laugh are exchanged. After the inevitable conflicts and mess ups, we reconcile and end up with deeper relationships with each other. We treat each day as a fresh start with each other, with no grudges held.

Another good thing is we're learning how to gauge our tanks. Think of a car's gas tank. On a regular basis, you need to fill your car's tank. If you let it get into the low/empty range, your car is on the verge of a shutdown. The same goes for us, we each have a tank that needs refueling in order to keep going. Our constantly shifting attitudes and feelings are very much connected to how much fuel is in our tank. You know your tank is full because you are rested, energized, and have a lot to pour into others. On the flipside, you know your tank is running low when your energy is diminished, your inner reserves of peace and joy are depleted, and you don't have much to give. I've learned how necessary it is right now to pay attention and gauge my own tank these days. When my tank is low, there is an opportunity to take my needs seriously, and do something to refuel. Or I can keep going without refueling, get depleted, and probably experience burnout. For the sake of my well-being and my relationships with others, I'd rather do the latter.

And finally, we're learning how to refuel. Each person in our family has different things that recharge and refuel them. For me, it's often writing, focusing on accomplishing a few purposeful things, and talking with my husband. The other members of my family have their own unique methods of refueling. One of my more introverted children needs time to be alone, read, and listen to music. Another one of my children needs physical touch like hugs, and freedom to verbally express feelings. We're trying to honor each person's individual needs, help our kids discern what they need, and give permission to do those things each day.

If you notice your tank running low, perhaps there is an opportunity for you to experience some of these good things as well. Give and receive forgiveness and grace to yourself and others. Pay attention to your tank. Learn how to refuel. Give yourself permission to do those things. 

God has some good things for us right now, friends. Yes, even in the midst of your meltdown moments.

Prayer:

Lord, we welcome you into our lives. We welcome you into our homes. We welcome you into the nooks and crannies of our day. We invite you into the beautiful moments as well as the ugly moments. Thank you for the good things you're giving us. Thank you for being a Father of forgiveness and grace. Thank you for never leaving us to fend for ourselves. You are the source of all that we need. Help us to come to you with our needs, and trust that what you are giving us is good. Thank you, God. Amen.

An Idea:

Use a simple 0-10 scale to gauge how full your tank is today (this works well with all ages). What do you need to refuel? Consider doing this with your spouse or family or Ohana Group. Have each person share what number their tank is at. Then discuss what each of you personally needs to fill your tank. Help each other take those needs seriously, and find ways to meet those needs this week.